JH Lillevik

Here I am sitting at the computer with the flu and I have been thinking a lot about my life in general the last year or so. I cannot remember if I have mentioned it on this blog, but in October 2017 I had a bit of a breakdown. A panic attack followed by a deep depression made me reflect a lot about what I have been doing with my mind.

It is not an easy realization to come that you might be to blame for most of the problems you might be in, or that actions you took had consequences that effected you more than others, but sometimes that is needed to at least take a look at. So that is what I did after my little breakdown. Through the help of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), I started to take one step at the time to see what had me so freaked out.

I spent most of my time, before the breakdown, in the basement of my brother’s house writing and working my day job. Most of my friends had to a certain degree given up on me as I would rant about stuff that they might not care to much about, and I never had time either as I had all my focus on my dreams or I would spend a lot of time gaming.

Now, let me say that there is nothing wrong with that. Gaming has been a great way for me to get back in touch with people and I would not be the same without it. In fact I am pretty sure I would have ended my life a long time ago without that community. Chasing your dreams is also a good thing if you are aware of what you are willing to give up to get there.

After the breakdown, I started to change parts of my life in hopes of finding back to the guy that I had always portrayed to the outside world. The guy who was interested in ideas and would come up with new ways of using the information he had obtained. It started with something my doctor had recommended a few years before this, and that was yoga.

Yoga has helped me center myself and it was also the start to my new life journey. Through it I started to look at my spirituality as well, or my correctly my views on life, and I discovered that I had been driven by a nihilistic view on life and that I needed find meaning within it. I decided that this meaning was going to be to try and be better than I used to be. Better to the few people I had left around me, make sure to not let my short temper affect too many (like the discussion I would have with my youngest brother), and also assume that I do not know everything.

It has now been over a year of my life trying to change how I see myself. I know that I may not be able to change the person who I am at the core, but at least I will be better at dealing with the voice at the back of my head telling me to jump, that people hate me and that I will never amount to anything.

I know I will never be rid off my melancholy, and that the melancholy caused a depression that probably lost me the love of my life many years ago, but at least I now know what it is and that I am not alone in this world. This journey is far from over and I have far too many stories to tell and advice to give to pack it in. Hopefully one day I will be able to be content in life, but I doubt it as I will always be chasing the next thinmg I want to write.

JH

PS: This will be an ongoing thing as I felt like updating you guys on my life more and share my story to the best of my ability. I hope that this is okay.